


Press Conference

by justmyownwriting



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Perfume, Sickfic, sneeze
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-06-26 18:17:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19773736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justmyownwriting/pseuds/justmyownwriting
Summary: when they're 23 years old, the remaining members of the umbrella academy (and Vanya) are doing an interview for a special for the 10 year anniversary of Five disappearing except the interviewer is annoying and she's wearing a lot of perfume that Klaus and Luther are allergic to. kind of a crack fic but kind of not i don't even know





	1. Chapter 1

In the spring of 2012, the Umbrella Academy were all invited by Science Daily News Channel to do an interview commemorating the 10-year anniversary of Number Five’s disappearance.

Klaus almost didn’t come. If it wasn’t for the $300 Luther promised they would all be paid on the phone, he wouldn’t have.

Of course, he was still the last one to show up. Late as always, stumbling in twenty-five minutes past call and five minutes to air time in a turtleneck and black jeans. He grinned at his siblings, who were sitting in a line: Luther and Allison, in a suit and a cream-colored dress respectively, were talking to each other on the left. To their right sat Vanya, in jeans a sweater, and Diego, in a polo shirt and khakis. They sat in awkward silence. The empty chair on Diego’s right was labeled “Number 4.”

Klaus sneered at the label but nonetheless sauntered towards the seat.

“What’s up fuckers! Long time no see.” His siblings all turned towards him as he sat down.

“Hey, buddy.” Diego pat him on the knee. Vanya smiled coyly and gave him a little wave, as Allison shot up from her seat and gave him a big hug. 

“Klaus, are you high?” Now all eyes turned to Luther, who was still sitting down, arms crossed over his chest. Klaus rolled his eyes.

Diego hissed, “Wow, nice way to greet your brother after five years.”

“Hello to you too, Luther,” Klaus flashed him a shitty little grin. “How’s the old man treating you? Still sleeping with a night light on?”

“At least I have a wall to plug a night light into.”

The siblings all turned to Klaus, anxious to see his reaction. “What did you just say to me?” Klaus asked, green eyes narrowed into slits, soon mirrored by blue eyes across the room.

“I said,” Luther spoke coldly, “at least I have a wall to plug my night light into.”

“Yeah, the same wall it’s been plugged into since you were five.”

“Better to live at home than to live on-”

“Hi guys!” The siblings snapped their attention to the seat on Klaus’ right, which was now filled by a chipper woman with a high blonde ponytail in a frilly top and pencil skirt. She smiled from ear-to-ear. “I’m Maya Ward, your interviewer for the evening. Huge fan of you all, I grew up hearing about you guys!”

“Hi!” Vanya gave a little wave and flashed Maya a shy smile. Maya’s face took on the expression one might use when looking at a sad little lost puppy.

“You must be Number Seven! I’ve heard you’re really good at the violin.”

Vanya nodded, “Yeah, I play in the-”

“Number Four, right?” Maya turned to Klaus, who grinned at her in response.

“You can call me Klaus.” Maya giggled obnoxiously.

“Okay, Klaus. You were always my favorite!” She touched Klaus’ arm.

“Really?” Klaus’ nose twitched. “Why’s that?”

Maya shrugged. “Oh, you know. Talking to ghosts and all that. You can speak this whole special language no one else can understand.” Klaus quirked a brow and sniffled.

“Uh, I don’t know if I would say that. But it’s a lot more interesting than being able to hold heavy stuff. Wouldn’t you agree, Lu-”

“Can I give you a hug?” Maya jumped up from her seat before Klaus could answer, even though he opened his arms up wide for her. She squeezed him too tight, for a bit too long, and it quickly got awkward.

“Uh, does anyone else want a hug?” she asked, as if that would make it better, and proceeded to go down the line giving the siblings too-tight hugs, complimenting each of them on how “neat” their powers were. Except Vanya, of course, who silently gave her an awkward, dead-fish hug. And Luther, who barely squeezed back at all, afraid of using too much force.

With their hugs, each sibling got a strong waft of Maya’s perfume, which was as cheap and pungent as you would expect from someone who starts an interview off with hugs rather than handshakes. After his hug, Diego quirked a brow and instantly looked at Klaus, who was starting to sniffle. And after her hug, Allison scrunched up her face a bit and shot Luther a worried glance, watching as he discreetly wiped at his nose with his knuckles.

When that seemed to be the only reaction, they both relaxed back into their seats.

Maya said, “Okay, so we’re gonna go on air in about two minutes. You were all here for the practice run-through?”

“Yup!” Klaus answered immediately. Luther shot him a look of disapproval. “Really helpful, great staff.”

“Aww, thank you, Klaus.” Maya nudged his arm again. “I wrote the questions myself.”

“Oh, did you now?” Klaus asked, eyebrows dancing up and down until finally they stayed raised for a few seconds. “Well they were r-hih! Hi’nxgt! Ihh.. nxgt-ishyuu! Oh, excusez-moi,” he sniffled and grinned. Maya giggled.

“Bless you!” She turned towards the camera.

Diego nudged Klaus’ shoulder. “Klaus are you okay?”

“Okay we’re rolling in five, four, three, two – “

“Hh’nxt! Sorry!” Klaus hid his face in his hands and grinned sheepishly.

“That’s okay! We can edit that out.” Maya grinned at him, before turning back to the camera. “Good morning Scientists of America! Today I’m here with some very special guests who traveled from as far as Hollywood to be here. You might not recognize these lovely young men and women, as they’ve grown up so handsomely from the kids we remember saving the day. That’s right, I’m here with the Hargreeves siblings, once more commonly known as the Umbrella Academy.”

She turned to look at them. Klaus didn’t know where to look. There were so many cameras and there were tons of people and lights and so many things going on that he didn’t know what to do. It was making him a bit anxious. He reached into his pocket to pull out another pill but Maya put her hand on his arm and he jerked it away instinctively. 

He blushed. “Sorry…I…sorry.” 

“Don’t worry about it! So what we’re going to do next is have each of you introduce yourselves and give a quick synopsis of your power. Vanya, we’re going to have you talk about your interests outside of the academy. Although for these shots it is just going to be one on one. We’re going to quickly go through those, the synopsis should only be about fifteen seconds each!” Maya explained. She tightened her ponytail. “Who wants to go first?” 

Luther’s hand shot up in the air. He was used to going first for things and he really wanted to get this out of the way. He wanted to be next to this woman and her evil perfume for as little time as possible. Thankfully his power was quite simple and didn’t require any in-depth explanation. 

Maya beckoned him over to her and he switched chairs with Klaus. “I’m Luther Hargreeves, or more commonly known as Number One. My powers include superhuman strength,” Luther said. He had to keep his breath from hitching during the last sentence. He shot up quickly after the producer flashed him a thumbs-up and he stepped back over to his chair. 

He was thanking god that he was out of the frame as he rubbed his nose aggressively, cursing Maya’s perfume. “Hih-INGXHT! Heh-nGXTchiew!” 

Maya was too busy making a quick comment to Klaus to notice. Allison blessed him and rubbed her hand on his knee. 

“Number Two? Diego?” Maya asked. Diego hated that she referred to him as Number Two before she called him Diego. He was already in a bad mood. He didn’t like these things and now everything was about to go to shit all because of this annoying interviewer’s perfume. And Klaus was into her too! It didn’t sit well with Diego. 

Still, he moved closer to her so he could do his little bit. “I’m Diego Hargreeves, also known as Number Two. My power is manipulating thrown objects, specifically knives.” He didn’t even fake a smile. 

Allison was up next and she shimmied up to Maya, both of them complimenting each other’s hair and nails. They were way too similar. “My name is Allison Hargreeves, and I have the power of reality manipulation through a specific vocal pattern.”

She did hers twice because she wasn’t happy with the first take. 

“Klaus! It’s your turn!” Maya called. 

“With you or the camera?” He laughed to himself and then slid over to his chair. “Hh’nxt-ixtshiuu! Hrrgshuehh! Sorry, about that.”

Maya grinned, “Bless you. Are you feeling alright?” 

“Oh yeah, seasons are changing, baby,” Klaus said. 

Allison piped up, “Uh, Klaus, it’s the middle of July. It’s been summer and it’ll be summer for a little while longer.”

“Seasons aren’t changing, Casanova,” Diego chuckled. 

“They could be somewhere!” Of course, Maya jumped in to defend him, she was new around here. 

“Heehhetshieh! Sorry. Excuse me.” Klaus pat his chest. 

Maya put a sympathetic hand on his thigh and a devious smile rose to Klaus’ face. 

“Can you just film your part already?” Luther couldn’t help but shout from the end of the line. 

Klaus rolled his eyes and turned to the camera. He prettied himself up real quick and then cleared his throat. “Hi there, I’m Klaus Hargreeves also commonly referred to as Numero Quatro. You know, I can see dead people but I do think my one true power is seduction.”

“Oh my fucking god.”

“Did he really just fucking say that?”

On the other side of the planet, Maya was blushing hysterically. She laughed and said, “I mean I wish we could use that take but we have to do another one. You’re so funny, Klaus!” 

“Alright, alright. I’ll be serious this time.” He cleared his throat again and sniffled. “Sorry can we take one second I have to–h’tDISHieww! Hh’nxgtsh! Fuck, sorry. Are we allowed to say naughty words?”

Maya nodded, “We can bleep them out.”

“Ugh, bleeping’s no fun. Alright, can I just go whenever? Okay! I’m Klaus Hargreeves but you might know me as Number Four. My powers include seeing and communicating with the dead.” He made a face at the end of the sentence, still reminding everyone of how bored he was. 

“Vanya!” 

Wordlessly, Vanya swapped seats with Klaus. 

“Okay. I’m Vanya Hargreeves and I am Number Seven and I don’t have a superpower.” She stopped abruptly and an odd silence hung in the air. “Was that it? Was that good?”  
A producer from off to the side said, “Tell us something important about yourself. Do you work? What’s your job?”

“Um-I play the violin. I teach lessons. I play in concert halls. In concerts…sometimes,” Vanya said. She was clearly uncomfortable with all of these people looking just at her. She looked so small. 

“That’s good. Use that.”

Vanya took a deep breath and cracked her knuckles. She looked up and smiled into the camera. “I’m Vanya Hargreeves or Number Seven. I am a violin instructor and I–”

“Heh-NGXTchew! Hhhestch’iew!”

“Oh wow, would you look at that? Who’s ruining takes now?” Klaus looked down at the ground. “Bitch.”

Luther clenched his fists and Allison put her arm up to prevent him from moving. 

Maya said, “Just one more time then. You were doing great.”

“I’m Vanya Hargreeves or Number Seven. I am a violin instructor and I play in an orchestra.” Vanya sighed when it was over and she moved back into her chair. Everyone was in their right seat again. 

“Awesome! Everyone’s slated, check!” Maya smiled big. “Okay, time for the questions.”


	2. chapter 2

Maya cleared her throat dramatically before starting in on the official intro.

“Ten years ago, the science community was rocked with the sudden and strange disappearance of America’s favorite human teleportation device. We all remember the day Number Five of the Umbrella Academy disappeared -- I know I was personally devastated.”

“Aww, were you really?”

“Klaus!” Luther reprimanded. 

“It’s okay!’ Maya giggled. “Yes, I really was, I was a huge fan. Anyway, ahem! I’m here with the Hargreeves siblings to talk about their theories on their brother’s disappearance. First of all, I want to ask what Five was like at home.”

Unsurprisingly Luther was the first to cut in, going on about how smart and ambitious their brother was, even though he rubbed furiously at his nose every time the focus wasn’t on him. And naturally, Diego countered him, reminding everyone of how arrogant Five was. Vanya and Allison both supported Luther’s version of things, and Klaus lay back in his seat and grinned as he watched them go at it. He sniffled the whole time, and silently stifled a few scattered sneezes into his palm. Each new sneeze was more forceful and difficult to contain than the previous. And where Klaus stifled, Luther held back, frequently rubbing the pre-sneeze expression off his face before the tickle could come to fruition. But that couldn’t last for long, especially when he was distracted by the heated debate over his missing twin.

In an attempt to dissipate the tension, Maya quickly changed the subject to a discussion of their theories on where Five had gone, and what he might be doing there. While everyone, Klaus included, believed he’d gone to the future, they all had different ideas on what he was doing. Allison was going on about some crackpot theory that it was possible to be in multiple universes at once.

“Actually, I looked into this for a role once. ” Allison snapped at Diego, who had questioned her. “So I think I know what I’m talking about.”

“Hihhetshiuu! Ih'nxgt-hih’tDshiehh!” Klaus clamped a hand over his nose and shot Allison a sheepish grin. “Sorry.”

“Bless you. As I was saying, I-”

“IhhiETshiew! Oh, snf, I'm sorry.” He rubbed at his nose, which was starting to run.

“Klaus, are you okay?” Diego asked quietly, and instinctively put the back of his hand against his brother’s forehead, which felt normal.

“Buzz off, man, I’m fine!”

“What do you think, Klaus?” Maya grinned at him.

“Oh, me?” Klaus grinned. “I think he’s off in the future with a robot girlfriend sipping piña coladas and getting caught in the rain in Puerto Rico. If it hasn’t sunk yet, anyway.”

“Klaus,” Luther barked, momentarily distracted from rubbing his nose.

“Although come to think of it, the rain might mess with her wiring. But maybe she’s waterproof. Anyway, he probably-”

“Hhhr’ENGTshiew! Hhh’nGXsh!” Luther jolted forward violently, the result of holding back for ten minutes. He gave a very thick sniffle and cringed when he looked down at his elbow, which he still held up to his face.

“Bless you,” Allison flashed him a sympathetic smile.

“You ruined my story! Now I have to start all over again!”

Diego rolled his eyes. “No, you’re not starting over, no one needs to hear about your ‘theory.’”

“But everyone else got to…… hh’nngkt! share theirs!”

Allison’s brows furrowed when she realized that Luther hadn’t removed his arm from in front of his face in all that time, and he was blushing beet red. She discreetly handed him a tissue, which he immediately pitched forward into, turning to his other side.

“hh’gNXt-GXXT-uh-GNKshiew!” After a very audible intake of breath, he managed to suppress the fourth sneeze into complete silence, jolting so powerfully to his side that he nearly fell out of his chair. Allison grabbed his arm to steady him.

All this commotion attracted the attention of their siblings, which is exactly what Luther hadn’t wanted. Klaus burst out laughing.

“Whoa, there, Number One. Does your nose have super strength too now?”

“Klaus, grow up,” Allison hissed as she rubbed Luther’s shoulder.

“Hey, Ally, do you have any more tissues?” Klaus sniffled dramatically to prove that he needed them. “I could really use some right now!”

Allison glared at him. “I have tissues for people who don’t bully their siblings relentlessly!”

Klaus gasped, “As if I would ever even think of doing such a thing!” 

“Are you getting this?” Maya asked the producer who nodded at her. 

Only Allison noticed this. She cut Klaus off from making another comment. “Let’s just stop fighting, guys. Come on, we’re doing a job here.”

“‘We’re doing a job here!’” Diego mocked her quietly earning a loud laugh from Klaus. 

This really was chaos. Poor poor Vanya was sitting in her chair silently, not taking part in the arguing, like usual. She did lean over to pat Klaus on the back, though, as he let out four half-stifled sneezes into the sleeve of his turtleneck. He groaned after. This was starting to annoy him. Luther was way past annoyed but Klaus wasn’t sober enough to really realize what was going on.

“Let’s take five,” Maya said to the producers and crew who started to take a break. “Should we reschedule? You two boys sound awful sick.” 

Klaus shook his head. “It’s allergies, I can tell.” Luther nodded in agreement. “Does anyone have any tissues?”

Some PA from the side walked up and handed Klaus a box of tissues which he graciously accepted. He plucked a couple of tissues from the box, sneezed very harshly into them, and then blew his nose. 

Luther also tried his best to clear his own nose out but some of the congestion was refusing to move. He’d have to take a hot shower to clear out his nasal cavity later on when he got back home. 

Mays was absolutely not turned off by Klaus’ behavior. In fact, she handed him another tissue when he crumpled the other one up and stuffed it in his pocket. She watched with utter and complete infatuation as he blew his nose again, a small irritated cough following it. 

“I think I’m okay for now,” Klaus sniffled. 

His nose was always runny. Luther was always more stuffed up with the congestion in his sinuses and the back of his throat, whereas Klaus’ nose almost never stopped running. It was a side effect of all the cocaine he was doing. The rare times that his siblings did run into him he was always sniffling. 

“Give me a-hihhhh...minute...hh’hikSHIEW! Hehh-NGXT’uh!” 

They waited for Luther to clean himself up and then they went over what they were going to talk about next. 

It ended up being some boring topic about something Reginald was working on so the others allowed Luther to do the talking. Or, at least he tried to do the talking, but it was getting more and more difficult as the need to sneeze became more overwhelming. He had to start over whole response five times. Eight times including the times Klaus interrupted him.

“If everything goes according to -heh!- to plan, it should be-” Luther tried to stop the impending sneeze by keeping his face tense, but it crumbled against his will. “Hih! ohgodimsosorry-hihheNGK’shiew! Okay, I’m gonna- Hh’NXXT!” He turned to the side as Allison gave him a new tissue, and blew his nose loudly into it, which did nothing for the congestion. But he did manage to rub the itch away temporarily. “Okay, I’m starting that over. It should be comple-”

“Ihh’nkt! Sorry!” 

Luther groaned, in response to which all of his siblings laughed.

“Klaus!”

“What? How’s ihhh-ihh’hDTsheww! it any-ahh’nxgtshiew! Any different from you?”

“Just shut up and do the damn take,” Diego barked.

“I am!” Luther’s eyes unfocused for a second, but he quickly squashed the impulse down, using sheer willpower. “If everything goes according to plan, it should be completed by the end of the calendar year.” He settled back down with a small sigh, before pitching forward as soon as he let his guard down.

—“HAH-gnxt’uh!”

— “Ihhiehh’nnDTshiew!”

“Bless you!” Maya giggled and patted Klaus’ knee, before turning to Luther. “And bless you! Did you time that on purpose?”

“hhh’ETshiew-hh’nxxt!” Klaus sniffled and grinned. “It’s one of our superpowers,” Klaus joked, and Maya cackled out loud obnoxiously.

Luther and Allison awkwardly laughed along, while Diego rolled his eyes, and Vanya shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

“Well, there you have it, folks. The Umbrella Academy!” They all smiled at the camera awkwardly for a few seconds, until Maya turned to face the siblings again. She opened her mouth to say something, but she was cut off by Klaus’ wildly hitching breath.

“Hetschiew! Hii’inxgtschiew! HHhr’eDTzhiew-uhhh, sndf sorry…. hahhhN’Gtchu!” Klaus’ struggled for air in between each sneeze.

“Klaus, are you okay?” Diego asked, in response to which his brother nodded emphatically, only to cut himself off with another trio, wheezing a bit in between. Diego turned to Maya. “I think he needs to step out for a bit to catch his breath.”

“Okay! Well, we-”

“Diego, I’m fine!” Klaus snapped. “Just 'cause I don’t have superhuman lungs doesn’t mean I’m gonna die.” He had to start and stop to catch his breath multiple times throughout the sentence, and even then his voice was shaky.

“Yeah, well you also have asthma. Are you trying to trigger it?”

“It’s okay, boys!” Maya quickly cut in before things could escalate. “We’re going to move onto individual interviews now, and we’re going in numerical order, so Number Four - Klaus,” she corrected herself, flashing the sniffly man a coy little grin, “has plenty of time to get some air! I’m going to bring the rest of you to a break room and you’ll switch off. Each one should take about fifteen or twenty minutes!”

Diego tried to help Klaus up but Klaus batted his arms away. “Get the hell off me, yeah? I can stand up fine,” Klaus grumbled. 

He was starting to come down and he needed to take something else soon. He hid a smirk to himself as he pulled a tissue from the box and a pill from his pocket, meeting them together in front of his face. He slipped the pill in, blew his nose, then swallowed the pill while he wiped his nostrils. No one even noticed. Klaus was too damn good. 

Not at paying attention, though, as everyone was talking about some new topic that he wasn’t keyed into. He listened in and heard that they were supposed to be talking about their powers and their upbringing and Five and Klaus didn’t know if he could take it. As he thought more and more about his childhood his chest tightened up more and more. 

He coughed quickly. “I’m gonna go get that fresh air now,” He wheezed. He took off without waiting for a response.


	3. chapter 3

Once Klaus found his way out of the building and sat down on the concrete pavement he noticed that Diego was about five steps behind him. Diego joined him and sat down cross-legged. 

“How bad is it?” Diego asked. “I know you were putting on a show in there.”

Klaus noted, “She’s pretty.”

“You didn’t answer my question. Give me a cough, yeah?”

Klaus breathed in and then let out a harsh cough into his elbow. It dragged at his throat and clawed at his lungs. It didn’t last long, though. 

“That’s not good, Klaus,” Diego said. 

“I know, I know, I know, but we have to do this, right? Don’t we? Tell them every little detail about our childhood because they think this is more important to them than it is to us? Do they care that this is the anniversary of our brother’s disappearance or that this is a good story that can be a real tearjerker but also will keep the audience on their toes?” Klaus ranted, his voice becoming tighter again. 

Diego put his hand on Klaus’ chest, “Relax. Hey, listen to me. Calm down, okay? Easy breathing for now.”

“Hihh...h’eTSCHyuu! Hhitsch’uh-ahtschiew! Ugh, fuck,” Klaus sniffled. “My head’s fuckin’ killing me.”

“You can stay here until it’s your turn to go, okay?”

Klaus said, “I would but I don’t want Ms. Maya to think I’m not into fucking her!”

Diego scoffed. “Are you even capable of fucking anything in your current state?” He laughed. “Do you want your autopsy report to say that your cause of death was an asthma attack while you were fucking?”

“Wouldn’t be a bad way to go out.” Klaus shrugged. 

Despite the fact that he knew his brother was joking, he rolled his eyes. They sat out there until Maya herself came outside to tell Diego that it was his turn for a one-on-one. Klaus’ sneezing had died down a lot since he had been outside, but it picked up just for the few minutes that Maya was in his presence. Diego tried to hurry up and push Maya to go back inside so his brother could have some peace. He succeeded and eventually, Klaus was alone again.

Not for long, though. The door opened up again and this time Luther walked outside. He sat down a few feet away from Klaus without a word. Klaus decided he wasn’t high enough for Luther’s disapproving glance and he popped another pill. 

What he couldn’t ignore, though, was Luther’s sneezing. He had just been in close quarters with Maya for a good twenty minutes and he was still riding it out. Klaus felt bad and he wanted to bless Luther but he didn’t feel like the air between them was clear enough for him to do so. It was only when Klaus realized that Luther didn’t have any tissues, that he knew he had to talk to him. 

“You want a tissue, bud?” He asked, offering the box. 

Luther nodded, “Thanks.” He took a tissue and blew his nose. Klaus frowned at how unproductive it sounded. 

“Her perfume really is fucking us over, huh, Luther?” Luther nodded instead of responding. “I can’t remember the last time perfume has fucked me up with such grandiosity, can you?”

“Allison’s, when we were sixteen. Remember that bottle she got for her birthday? You and I couldn’t go near her until Dad made her get rid of the bottle,” Luther recounted. “I felt bad for her, that she had to do that because of us.”

Klaus shrugged. “C’est la vie.” He took a tissue and caught a wet sneeze in it. 

“Bless you.”

“Thanks.” Silence took over for the next thirty seconds until one of them was brave enough to break it again. “How have you been, Luther?” 

It was Luther’s turn to shrug. “I don’t know, pretty good. Hh’ngKSHIEW! HeISHhuh! Ugh, I’ll tell you what, I’ve been a lot better than I am right now. How have you been doing?” 

“Oh, you know. The same. Just wandering around and looking for fights to instigate and money to steal. We all have our hobbies,” He said. 

The sad part was that Luther knew that he wasn’t joking. Klaus had this way of being so truthfully dishonest. 

“Klaus, that’s not funny,” he condemned. “You need to take some responsibility in your life.” Klaus just rolled his eyes.

“If you care so much then where have you been for the last five years?” 

“F-hh’KSCHihh’IKSHIEW! Sndf… Fair point.”

They talked for the next twenty minutes or so, until Diego came back out, which shut Luther up and did quite the opposite for Klaus. But that only lasted for about twenty minutes or so, before it was Klaus’ turn to talk to Maya.

“So, what was it like growing up with Five?” she asked.

“Oh, you know,” Klaus sniffled and wrinkled his nose. “The same as growing up with One, Two, Three, Six, and Seven.” Maya giggled.

“You know that’s not what I meant, silly! Talk about what you miss about him.” Klaus grinned.

“Okay, Umm.” He cleared his throat and put on a far-away, nostalgic expression. “Five was always a bit of a sh-hih! Shit-hih’itschiew! Sorry… Growing up, Five was always a bit of a show-off, always blinking in and out of the room. Bragging about sneaking out-”

“He snuck out?”

“J-hih! Sorry-heh’nxgsh-hh’itschht! Snf. Just to get donuts and stuff like that, nothing serious. I think I was secretly kinda jealous of his powers. You know, talking to the dead can be a bit of an annoyance. Sometimes they don’t sh-hih!-shut up.”

“I’m sure that can be annoying!”

“It can be awful,” Klaus shrugged. “But now looking back on it, I really miss him. Teleporting and all.”

“Speaking of your powers,” Maya wriggled her brows, and Klaus stiffened a bit in his seat. “Fans have actually been Tweeting us about you the most!”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah! They’re wondering, given your abilities, if you’ve ever tried to contact him.” Klaus choked a bit on his own spit, though it wasn’t from allergies this time.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Yes. It’s an unfortunate possibility that Five has passed. Whether he went to the future, or not. Haven’t you ever tried to contact him?”

Klaus crossed his legs over his chest and chuckled nervously. He had, actually. For the first few weeks following Five’s disappearance he’d tried desperately to contact him, and ever since then he would occasionally call out his brother’s name (or lack of one). Usually, Ben would respond instead, and tell Klaus he still hadn’t seen Five in the world of the dead. It was a bit of a sore subject for Klaus, but of course he quickly covered it up with a smile and a louder chuckle. He smacked himself on the forehead.

“Oh my god, how have I never thought of that!” he joked, then shook his head. “No, I did a few times when we were younger. Then I just sort of lost hope I guess.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.” Maya gave him the most obvious pity-pout in the world and reached out to rub him on the knee as he knuckled his nose. Then a smile slowly crossed her face. “Why don’t you try right now?”  
Klaus was going to shrug her off and say he might later, but then he saw the hopeful look in her eyes and remembered her saying earlier that his powers had always been her favorite. He smiled brightly, rivaling hers.

“I guess it can’t hhh--hi’itschiew-nxgt-ishyuu!”

“Bless you! Maybe it won’t work with your cold…”

“No!” Klaus shook his head fervently. “My powers work all the time, unless -- uhh, no, yeah they work all the time even if I’m sick. Not that I am sick, though,” he quickly recovered, narrowly avoiding revealing his drug problem to the entire nation, in the off chance that Maya used that footage. “Where was I? Oh, yeah.” He grinned at her. “I guess it can’t hurt.”

He promptly shut his eyes tight and held his hands above his knees in mudra position, emitting a low humming sound from deep within his chest. He peeked his left eye open just a bit, only to see Maya staring at him wide-eyed, practically dripping in pheromones. He shut his eyes tighter and made a pained face, scrunching up his nose as much as he could, which conveniently also held the still-persistent tickle at bay for the time being.

When it felt like he was going to pop a vein in his forehead, he finally released all the tension, leaning back in his chair with an exaggerated sigh. He opened his eyes and looked at Maya with a grave expression, shaking his head sadly.

“Nothing.” It was a happy accident that a few allergic tears had started dripping down his cheeks by now. He wiped his eyes ‘discreetly’ onto his sleeve.

Maya scooted closer to him and flashed him the pity smile again as she rubbed at his back.

“It’s okay, Number F- Klaus. Wherever he is, if he knows about this, I’m sure he appreciates the effort.” Klaus shook his head and turned his head away from her.

“I miss him so much.” He sniffled and let out a sigh. “Ugh, I’m sorry. I’m ruining the interview.”

“No, it’s okay! That was the last of the questions.”

And with that, Klaus turned back around to face Maya, wiggling his eyebrows at her.

“You’re welcome,” He flashed her a cocky grin, “for that quality content. Ooh, that shit’s really gonna hit home!”

“Klaus!” Maya’s eyes widened at first, and she hit Klaus on the shoulder, much harder than he expected from her (and he kind of loved that, like, a lot). But then a grin spread across her face, mirroring his. “You really had me there, Hargreeves. You can’t just do that to a girl!”

“Sorry,” he shrugged, still grinning. His hand slowly finding its way on her knee, asking permission to go up higher. “Is there any way I can make it up to you?”


	4. chapter 4

Twenty minutes later, Klaus sauntered into the break room, looking very disheveled, yet very content.

“Klaus, where the hell have you been?” Diego demanded.

Klaus just winked at him and sat back down in his spot on the couch next to Luther, and leaned back with his legs spread far apart. Diego got his answer when Maya came in from the other door with her hair down and her blouse no longer tucked into her skirt. But still smiling from ear to ear.

“Sorry about the delay! Technical difficulties.” She cleared her throat; did her voice sound a little hoarse? “Okay, Vanya, you’re up next! Are you ready?”

The smallest Hargreeves nodded and wordlessly followed her out of the room.

“Whoo!” Klaus leaned back in his chair. “That was a -hih!-hihh’enNGTshiehh! snf! That was a good interview!”

Luther turned to face Klaus. “What the hell took you so long?” He demanded. 

Alison scoffed, “Isn’t it obvious. He fucked her!”

“Hey! Watch your crude language! We m-hih! HhheNXTshyuu! Hh’nkgt-n’kt! We made love,” Klaus grinned, earning a high five from Diego. 

“Whatever you did you reek of her perfume, can you please move over there?”

Klaus joked, “If I have to suffer then you have to suffer with me.”

“You’re the one who made the conscious decision to fuck her! I don’t want her or that perfume anywhere near me!” Luther was beginning to get pissed off with his brother again. He knew how badly this stupid perfume was affecting the both of them yet he went out of his way to get coated in it. 

Allison said, “Seriously, Klaus, out of all of the girls here you decided to fuck the one covered in perfume?”

“There were some cute boys here too, might have to take another break with one of them. There was a really cute brunette working the coffee station,” Klaus noted. He ripped a tissue out of the box on the table and stifled five sneezes into it. He groaned afterward. “This sucks.”

Luther snapped, “You don’t get to complain! You put this on yourself, now can you please move away from me like I asked you to!” 

“But I’m so comfy-”

“Jesus fucking Christ, I’ll move then-”

Suddenly, Allison’s voice interrupted him. “Klaus, I heard a rumor, that you really want to sit on the other side of the room and stop antagonizing Luther.”

Klaus’ eyes washed blue and he stood up wordlessly, moving himself to a chair far away from Luther. He seemed to have nothing to say now. 

“Hh’eNGXTshiew! HhhiNGK’shuh!” Luther sneezed into his elbow. He was running out of tissues from Allison’s travel pack and he really didn’t want to deal with any flack from Klaus if he had to take some from his box. Although, Klaus had offered them kindly earlier when they were waiting outside. 

Part of him wanted to be annoyed with Klaus just because that’s what he was used to during his whole entire childhood, but he understood Klaus more now. Luther didn’t feel as far away from Number Four as he used to when they were kids. He couldn’t say the same for Klaus, but he thought there was at least some level of it between the two of them. They seemed to be on opposite teams, growing up. Klaus went against anything and everything that Reginald said, and Luther took every word that came from their dear old dad to heart. 

It was no wonder they were so different several years later. Still, there were odd things that made them the same. Like how they were both allergic to the same perfume and other oddities of the sort. 

Luther was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of Klaus sneezing again. Luther was better off because he had been without Maya for quite a while and the leftover perfume on Klaus wasn’t enough to give him too bad of a tickle, but he was still irritated. He could feel the congestion in his head thicken, the pressure was still getting worse. His head also hurt from how strong the perfume was, it was overly floral and Luther could feel the chemicals fuzzing up his brain. 

The twenty minutes for Vanya’s interview felt like an hour to him, but to the others, it felt like five minutes. 

But no, it had taken exactly twenty minutes for Vanya and Maya to return, only for Maya to beckon them back to the big set. Luther was complaining about his headache to Allison when Klaus overheard. 

Klaus didn’t have a headache. He was high enough that every sneeze felt a little better than normal but he wasn’t feeling the other symptoms yet. He didn’t mind the congestion and he loved how relieved he felt when he blew his nose. 

“Hihihh'engtshieww! God, don’t you guys just love sneezing?” He asked. He had popped another pill while no one was paying attention in the break room. “It feels so good to just get it out of your body.”

Luther rolled his eyes. “Only you would say that right now.”

“I’m serious! Just...gasping for breath and some sort of relief and you literally lose control as it comes out of you. Yeah, it can get a little annoying but it just feels so satisfying and boy am I one for satisfaction,” Klaus ranted.

Over in the middle, Vanya looked uncomfortable as ever. She had her head down and she was trying her hardest not to listen to her brother talk about the thing she was most attracted to. And Luther looked agitated. He hated sneezing, and not just because it often made his congestion worse rather than giving him any sort of relief. From his perspective, not only was it a moment of weakness, but it was a temporary loss of control over his body which, given his abilities, gave him a lot of anxiety.

“Why have you two been sneezing so much? The pollen’s not too bad around here,” Maya asked. 

Diego rolled his eyes at her ignorance. “It’s your fuckin’ perfume!” He spoke firmly. 

Klaus gasped. “Is it? I had no idea!” He lied through his teeth. 

Maya had a delayed reaction. She brought her hands up to her mouth. “Is that why you’ve been sneezing more when you’re closer to me? Oh my god! That’s so funny, I can’t believe it. Who would’ve thought!” 

“Is she--are you fuckin’ serious right now?” Diego asked. “You did not notice at all? Nothing seemed a little odd to you?”

“Diego’s right, how could you have missed that? It’s not like your perfume isn’t noticeable?” Allison’s voice had a dark tone. She was very angry. 

Luther begged, “Please, Allison, let it go. It’s okay. We’ll be fine, let’s just wrap this up so we can all--hih! Hh’eTSHiew! Hhhn’gxt--go home.” 

At this, Allison rolled her eyes but stayed silent. Diego scoffed a bit at how easy it was to dissuade her. “Wow.”

“Diego, it’s okay,” Klaus said. He gave Diego a calming look and a small nod toward the camera. 

Surprisingly, Diego took it well. He cooled off. He most likely knew that the cameras were rolling and everything he said was being captured. Ever since a young age when The Umbrella Academy had first started, Reginald had always taught them to be poised and professional on camera. They had to hide emotions after missions when they were featured on the news. They had to keep themselves contained when Five disappeared, and when Ben died. They were always in the public’s eye and they knew when to draw the line. 

“I’m sorry, I was really distracted, I was so starstruck. I didn’t even think about it,” Maya said, sounding sincere for maybe the first time since Diego had spoken to her. 

He was about to respond but a sharp sneeze aimed into Klaus’ elbow cut him off. 

“Sorry...about that,” Klaus murmured. “didn’t mean to ruin the moment.”

“There was no moment to ruin,” Diego answered quickly, and Maya shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “What are we even back here for anyway?”

“Just closing thoughts! Any last things you wanted to say, it’ll only take a few minutes,” Maya assured, a little bit of her bubbly personality coming back now. “It might be nice if you all left a message for Five. You know, so he might see it if he’s still out there.”

“You think we haven’t tried that?” Diego sneered.

“That’s a great idea!” Klaus clapped his hands. “hhn’inxtshiehh! I’ll start.” He proceeded to give what was essentially a very “heartfelt” plea for their missing brother to please reach out to him, whether he was still alive or not. He had to restart three times. The first time he turned to the side to stifle an itchy trio. The second time Luther turned to his side to stifle a congested double, amplifying the pressure in his head and also ruining the take. The third time, everyone laughed at Klaus’ terrible acting. Except for Luther, who squinted his eyes shut tight at the loud noise. But the final product ended up pretty convincing, and Klaus’ leaned back in his seat with a grin and a very liquid sniffle.

Maya decided it would be easiest to go down the line in the opposite order since they’d started with Klaus. Klaus was now too high to stifle his sneezes, and Luther’s stifles were getting progressively less successful. Which meant a lot of ruined takes. 

It took about twenty minutes for them to get through their three siblings’ messages for their brother. Diego’s was cold and stoic, Vanya’s was gentle and genuine, and Allison’s was grandiose and just as overly emotional as Klaus’ (though hers was actually pretty well-acted).

The last person to go was Luther. His head was so clogged up that every sneeze just built more and more pressure. He felt like he was suffocating in the cloud of perfume as he sat down next to Maya, who didn’t seem to care or feel any sympathy for him (it was all reserved for Klaus). She gestured to the camera and Luther let out two hard sneezes into his elbow. He sniffled and then started to speak. 

“Snf, Five, if you’re out there we need you back. We worked well together as a team, but even more than that you’re our family,” Luther started strong but his words were clouded by congestion, while his throat was starting to host a dull ache. “You didn’t deserve to go completely off of the grid when you were just a curious kid trying to figure something out.” His voice cracked on the last word. He gave another sniffle and pressed his finger against his nose to try and quell the tickle until he finished. 

“You’re a little stuffed up there, bud,” Klaus said. “It’s kinda hard to understand.”

Diego gave a quick laugh. “You’re one to talk there, Klaus.” 

At Klaus’ words, Luther’s cheeks turned pink. He asked, “Do I have to start over? Should I?”

Maya shook her head, “We can clip different pieces together if you want. Don’t worry, you weren’t completely unintelligible.”

Her phrasing made it hard for Luther to tell if she was comforting him or delivering a cleverly disguised insult. 

He blew his nose, cleared his throat, and continued, “Five, you deserved to experience the world with us as we grew up and figured it out. I would say that if I could go back and convince you to stay I would, but time travel is what messed this all up in the first place.”

That was about all he could give while being completely meaningful yet not making an utter fool of himself even more than he felt he already had. 

He nodded at Maya to let her know he was done and he ducked down into a tissue. “Hh’ngksHIEW!” He tried to stifle the first one but the pain that seared through his skull instantaneously was enough to convince him to let it out. “Hhh’ehhKSHIEW!”

“Bless you,” chorused Allison, Maya, and Vanya. 

Klaus was in his own world and Diego didn’t really feel like talking. 

“If you don’t like it, we can always scrap your parts and leave them out. Only if you think it’s too hard to understand,” Maya said.

Allison rolled her eyes. “Remind me, what was the reason why they keep sneezing?”

That shut Maya up and slapped an embarrassed blush onto her cheeks. 

“Hey, stop being rude to Maya! It's not hihhh! It’s not her fault!” Klaus defended his hookup, then immediately snapped forward into a tissue. “HihhihhiECKshyuu! Hihheh'ingxtshiew! Heh'atshyuehh!”

The fact that he said it wasn’t her fault absolutely sent Diego over the edge. He laughed coldly, “Seriously, Klaus? Are you hearing yourself right now?”

“She didn’t know! How was she supposed to know?!”

“Stop yelling!” Luther commanded from the other side of the couch

“No one’s fucking yelling,” Diego hissed back, and then abruptly raised his voice. “THIS IS YELLING.” Vanya flinched next to him in response. Luther winced and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Really, Diego?” Vanya spoke up for the first time since her goodbye to Five, though her voice was still just a fraction of everyone else’s volume. Allison reached across her and slapped Diego on the arm.

“That was so uncalled for. Grow up.” Then she turned her attention back to Luther. “Are you okay?” He started to nod, but the gesture was cut off by a stifled sneeze, which seemed to push him over the edge. With a small sigh of defeat, he shook his head “no” instead.

Allison turned back to the group. “Are we good to go? I think he needs to get out of here.” She stood up beside Luther and gestured for him to follow suit before anyone could respond.

“Oh, yeah, you’re good to go!” Maya piped up.

“Sorry,” Luther smiled sheepishly, though he was still squinting, “Thanks for having us.”

“Oh, thank you two for sharing your stories with me! It was touching and I really enjoyed talking with you!”

“That makes one of us,” Diego grumbled under his breath, then yelped slightly when Klaus pinched him on the arm.

“I’d give you a goodbye hug but I don’t think that’s such a good idea for you, Luther. Allison, do you-” she cut herself off when she realized Allison had started leading Luther out the door without turning back.

The door slammed audibly, just as Klaus’ breath hitched wildly.

“Hih..hih...hiehehhEDSchiew-nxgt-hi'ishyuu! Hihhheng'ktshiuu! Hihhihenhh....ihh? Hihihh'iGKTshyuu! Whoo, my nose just won’t quit today!” He was out of breath after all of them.

“Klaus, it’s getting bad again” Diego condemned. “I think it’s time for you to-”

“Wait!” Diego held a finger out to Diego, his other hand still hovering in front of his face. His breath hitched as if he wasn’t already out of breath already. “Hihh..? Ihh? HAH!... Oh fuck, the tickle won’t go away. You know when you can feel it -heh!- right there but it just won’t go over the edge?” Vanya suddenly shot up.

“I think it’s time for me to go, too,” she said quietly, and shot Maya a quick wave. “Thanks for having us.” And then she bolted out of the room. Diego ignored her.

“Bye Van! Love you!” Klaus called out hoarsely, wheezing in between words.

“Klaus,” Diego’s tone was stern. “It’s time to go.”

Klaus frowned, “I don’t want to go yet.”

“We have a shower downstairs!” Maya blurted. 

“And?”

“Shush, Diego! I think I know what she’s getting at,” Klaus grinned. 

Diego rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “No way. I’m not waiting here while you two have shower sex. Come on, Klaus we’re going back to my place.”

Before Diego could grab Klaus and yank him out of the building Klaus flashed him his puppy dog eyes. He begged, “Please, I-I think it would help if I showered now, too. Your place isn’t the closest and my lungs are feeling kind of tight…”

“Fine. But hurry!” Diego gave in. He always gave in. 

“Goody!” Klaus clapped. “We’ll be back soon!”

They were not, in fact, back soon. Klaus came upstairs an hour later, giggly, relaxed and exhausted (yet finally sneeze-free). If Diego hadn’t fallen asleep waiting for him, he would have read him the riot act. Instead, they walked back to Diego’s place, both yawning and rubbing their eyes the whole way.


	5. epilogue

The interview aired two days later, and Allison invited all the siblings to her hotel room to watch.   
Not even five minutes into the broadcast, while Maya was talking to Klaus, you could distinctly hear a stifled double from Luther, and a quiet “bless you” from Allison, though it had been muffled by the sound crew. They all laughed, even Luther, who blushed red.  
“Damnit, they said they were gonna edit them out.”  
Diego rolled his eyes. “Oh, shut up, it was one sneeze.”  
“Actually, it was two,” Klaus quipped, earning himself a slight slap upside the head from Luther.  
They would soon realize, however, that it was not just two sneezes. On multiple occasions, both Klaus and Luther could be heard sneezing in the background. And in a few occasions during their solo interviews, you could see them sneeze.  
Klaus was dying on the floor.  
“That’s fucking golden. I’m too cute.” Luther, on the other hand, was mortified.  
“Is that really what I look like when I sneeze?”  
“And all the time, unfortunately,” Diego quipped. Vanya shrugged her shoulders a bit.  
“It’s just sneezing, guys. I don’t know why you care so much,” she mumbled, eyes downcast. “Like, whatever, no one’s gonna think anything of it.”  
Vanya was very wrong. After it was over, Allison flipped on her favorite all female late night talk show. Five middle-aged women in gaudy dresses and too much jewelry sat in a semicircle discussing the interview.  
“Y’know, honestly Pauline,” the second co-host said. “I just couldn’t get over how much Number One and Number Four were sneezing!” The other women chuckled in response.  
“Oh my god, I know!” the fifth shrieked. “I mean, it was still very touching and all, but I couldn’t stop laughing any time those two sneezed. Give me the name of that editor cause they should be fired!”  
“Those poor boys, though,” the third co-host said with a little frown. “It’s like, couldn’t they reschedule if they were that sick?”  
“Seriously, though, did The Monocle not teach those kids how to use a goddamn Kleenex?” joked the first anchor, prompting laughs from all the others.  
“I thought it was just too cute, guys,” said the fourth co-host with a little shrug and a sheepish grin. “But honestly, it just made Number Two look so much yummier.”  
“Damn right you are, Debrah!” the fifth co-host shrieked and high-fived the fourth, while the others made sounds of approval and nodded in agreement. “Honestly, he could just sit there while is brothers blow snot out of their noses and just stare at me in silence for hours, and I’d be in heaven.”  
In the hotel room, Diego grinned.  
“Amen!” the fourth co-host cheered.  
Klaus hit the power button on the remote and the screen went blank.  
“Hey!” Diego pried the remote from him and turned it back on, but the women had already moved onto the next topic. “Dammit Klaus, you made me miss it!”  
“Miss what?” Luther asked with a little shrug. “All they were talking about is how attractive they think you are.” Diego grinned.  
“Uh, hello? That’s exactly the point?” Klaus scoffed. “Oh, shut up, you’re just jealous they think I’m hotter than you, you big baby.”  
“They were being ridiculously unfair, Diego!” Klaus defended. “You try having an allergic reaction during an interview. If I hadn’t been sniffling the whole time, I would have swept the fucking floor with you.”  
“Yeah, right,” Diego rolled his eyes. “Some women don’t seem to mind it when you sneeze all over them. You would know, Klaus.”  
“Can we stop talking about this?” Vanya asked quietly.  
“What does that have to do with these women?”  
“Well, if Maya is anything to go by, the sneezing isn’t that much of a turn-off. So that must mean they like me more anyway. Sucks to suck!”  
“Luther, back me up on this!” Klaus whined. “You’re beefy and you’ve got that wholesome, all-American thing going on. I’m charming as hell, I’m a pretty boy and I’m an actual gay icon. Diego’s an obnoxious broody high school loner trope. If we weren’t sneezing our asses off we so would have beaten him on the Most Fuckable contest.”  
Luther’s expression remained blank as he stared at Klaus.  
“Klaus, why do you care so much?”   
“I don’t! Shut up!” Klaus bit back. “It’s all I fucking have, Diego! My powers aren’t cool and I’m not ‘big and strong’ like either of you two! If I don’t have that, what do I have? The most depressing and uncool superpower, and a tragic backstory. That’s it.”  
Everyone was silent.   
Klaus sighed, “Diego, I think I’m gonna head out of your place soon, you don’t need me there and I can find somewhere else to go.”  
“Don’t do that, Klaus,” Diego said. “You’re the nice one, the witty one, you’re charming, you’re the whole deal.”  
“I’m not the nice one, I’ve never been the witty one, that’s Vanya, and you’re the charming one apparently!” Klaus frowned. “I’m the junkie! They even introduced me as it! I’m just the happy-go-lucky, carefree, stupid drug addict!”   
His eyes were glazed. Diego hoped that Klaus would just fall asleep and this would all feel like a bad fever dream. For once in his life, he wished Klaus was high enough to forget the evening.   
“And just thinking about that goddamn perfume is making my nose run!” Klaus added. He then sniffled for emphasis. He wasn’t exactly stuffed up but Diego understood he was doing this to complete the picture.   
Allison perked up, “You know, Diego was right, Klaus. Remember how he said that Maya was into you even though you were a sneezy mess? Clearly you’ve still got it when you’re down. Maybe Diego is just their type.” Klaus looked like he was almost considering it. “Seriously, there used to be another co-host on the show that absolutely raved about you when your last overdose went public!”   
That roped him in. “Really?” He asked in disbelief.   
“Yup.” Allison nodded. “She said she just wanted to take care of you and then have you take care of her. I thought it was disgusting, but you know, do with that what you will.”  
Klaus cheered up a bit with that. He sighed happily and pulled some sort of cloth out of his pocket. Immediately, Luther peeled away from him. Whatever the cloth was, it reeked of perfume.   
“Klaus, what the hell is that?” Luther asked, his hand over his nose.   
“Uhhh…” Klaus stalled. “It’s Maya’s. Maya gave it to me.”  
Diego had a bewildered look upon his face. Klaus was continuously surprising him today; every time that Diego thought Klaus certainly couldn’t do anything dumber, he managed to do just that. “You’re fucking kidding me, right?”   
“No. Can it, Diego!”   
— “HehhNXGT’uh-nXXT!”   
— “Hnkgt-itshuu! Ihhnkt!”  
Diego grabbed it out of Klaus’ hand.   
“Don’t you dare try to take this shit back from me, I’m burning it as soon as I find my damn lighter.”


End file.
